24/25

24th/ 25th Post-EOY Overnight at ECP and Splashin’ good time at Wild wild Wet.

Itenary:

24th – Those who can meet up earlier, feel free to do so. Several of us (Ann, Bok, myself) will be skating, and you’re more than welcome to either join us skating or rent bicycles overnight.

I will only be able to get to ECP at 11pm or close to 12am. Those who want to meet me after work at Funan can do so, then we make our way to ECP.

Most probably going to skate for a few hours before getting some rest, then we slowly make our way to Bedok Jetty to see the sunrise.

After that, we have a short rest perhaps, and we go to Wild Wild Wet. It opens at 10am.

Basic schedule:

11pm/12am – ECP skating/ cycling
5.30am – Start walking to Bedok Jetty (or if everyone has skates or bikes, then can start of at 6am)
8am – Breakfast!
9am – Start making our way to Pasir Ris Wild Wild Wet
10am – Wild Wild Wet!
5pm or 6pm – Dinner, then home!

Breakdown of expected costs:

Bicycle rental overnight : $10
Food costs : $10 – $25 (depends on you, breakfast + lunch + dinner on the 25th, or you can skip meals if you want)
Wild Wild Wet entrance fee : 15.80 for non-NEBO/ NTUC members, 10.80 for Nebo/ NTUC.

MSN/ / PM me on PPF/ FB for those interested and for which part.

24/25

24th/ 25th Post-EOY Overnight at ECP and Splashin’ good time at Wild wild Wet.

Itenary:

24th – Those who can meet up earlier, feel free to do so. Several of us (Ann, Bok, myself) will be skating, and you’re more than welcome to either join us skating or rent bicycles overnight.

I will only be able to get to ECP at 11pm or close to 12am. Those who want to meet me after work at Funan can do so, then we make our way to ECP.

Most probably going to skate for a few hours before getting some rest, then we slowly make our way to Bedok Jetty to see the sunrise.

After that, we have a short rest perhaps, and we go to Wild Wild Wet. It opens at 10am.

Basic schedule:

11pm/12am – ECP skating/ cycling
5.30am – Start walking to Bedok Jetty (or if everyone has skates or bikes, then can start of at 6am)
8am – Breakfast!
9am – Start making our way to Pasir Ris Wild Wild Wet
10am – Wild Wild Wet!
5pm or 6pm – Dinner, then home!

Breakdown of expected costs:

Bicycle rental overnight : $10
Food costs : $10 – $25 (depends on you, breakfast + lunch + dinner on the 25th, or you can skip meals if you want)
Wild Wild Wet entrance fee : 15.80 for non-NEBO/ NTUC members, 10.80 for Nebo/ NTUC.

MSN/ / PM me on PPF/ FB for those interested and for which part.

1

It has been three days since I’ve crashed. I still don’t know why I crashed like that. I still don’t know what to do, what to think.

I have no direction in life – I have no goals. Only dreams, but those are just that, only dreams. Right now they aren’t giving me hope, not giving me the will to go will to go on.

I feel that I don’t have a reason to go on anymore. All I see is black and more black.. A world without light.

I’m scared. So scared of losing myself to the darkness and yet I cannot help but to be drawn into it’s cold embrace. Eternal slumber, that would be so nice.

Sleep

I thought after some sleep I’d be alright. It usually gets better. This time it didn’t. I had a fitful sleep, waking up every hour or so. Woke up today, shower, and go to work. Brought iPod to work but didn’t feel like listening to any music at all.

I am nothing but a robot, not caring about a thing in the world. Wake up every day same time, come back home late… I think even robots need a little bit more rest.

Thing isI hate this life. There is so little time to socialize with my friends anymore. I don’t like being alone. Being alone makes me very negative. Thoughts just stream into my head. Although there are times that I crave to be alone, it just feels so over-rated, being alone, being single.

I crave attention, I want recognition for what I do.  want to be who I am, and not some puppet whom the master is in control, and not me. Being tied down by so many rules and regulations, bogged down by responsibilities…

I am a coward, nothing more than that. All I want now is to end it all. Even if I die and be proclaimed as a coward after my death, I think it’d be worth it. I’d be irresponsible, maybe, but since when have I ever been a responsible person? My work is sloppy, and though I try time and again to not commit the same mistakes, lo and behold, these same mistakes crop up.

Everything I do has no value to anyone. I take photographs. But people just see it, say, “hey, that’s nice!” and then just move on. My photos are mediocre at best. They’re not bad, but they’re not good either. I don’t feel that I’m improving in anyway.

I see people that are on dA, mostly people lke Ramza, Jess and Rafi. They’re such wonderful artists and I wish I could do what they do. I guess I’m not cut out for it, since everytime I try to draw there’s just no inspiration, not to mention that I suck so badly at it.

I’m jealous. I admit it. I’m filled full with envy. I see other guys with their girlfriends and wish that I was in their place. I see guys who are better-looking, and wish that I was in their place. I look upon the faces of genuinely happy people – full of warmth, joy and peace, or otherwise unaffected by the world around them… and wish that I could be in their place.

How nice it would be to be unaffected by things going on around them. I hear people arguing already I feel sad. I see people crying and I’d feel like crying too. Even looking at pictures, or just reading sometimes hurts me. Why am I made this way, so weak, so vulernable? A little bit and I feel like crying. Why is it that most other people, even girls are better at handling their emotions?

I’m in such a mess. Although I force myself to be all smiley and happy to customers, I think they can sense my aura of sadness or whatever because they look glum after being served by me. Even my colleague said that I looked sad.

I am not ready to tell them the reason why I’m sad. Perhaps if they come across this blog and only then they will know, or perhaps read my notes on my ipod. Other than that and the lovable people at PPF, no one else knows. I’m just bursting to tell someone everything, and yet at the same time, I’m scared of doing so. Scared of losing my friends, scared of what people will think of me.

Today at work. Same old mistakes yet again. Touched some leaky battery but I’m not going to wash my hand. I should be punished for being so god damned stupid. Why can’t I think properly instead of jumping into things without consulting anyone, especially since I’m still a greenhorn as they like to call me.

2 months has passed and yet I still am struggling to cope. I think I’m not cut out for this. Waking up everyday, coming to work is a battle against myself.

I used to think NS was bad, but this.. working is so much worse. Grass is always greener on the other side I guess. What I fear is that if I quit this job, then find a new one, the new one would be again too much for me.

I just hope that after all this, if I do pick up the pieces, that all will be better.

Thoughts

So much going through my mind right now.

Mostly negative.

Been thinking about nothing but work lately. It’s just so unrewarding. A thankless job, so much stress and low pay (though the last one is probably because I’m new). I have never felt so unwanted. Never. Never have I felt this way. Work is so draining, both physically and mentally. I just want to end it all, be free again, but unfortunately I have obligations to meet. I have to give back what I have taken all my life long.

It’s just that… I don’t know. I don’t see myself going anywhere with this job. Yet what else can I do? I’m not saying that there’s a stress-free job. But currently, I’m just barely coping. I’m falling sick more often than usual, my backache is acting up again. Half of the time I’m like a robot, a zombie, belting out company policy and hoping that customers just accept them instead of arguing, which just takes up too much time and energy.

So much is being asked of me. I’m not entirely sure if I can succeed at this. I’m too slow – slow to learn, slow to recognize that it’s not all about me – yet I want people to notice me. Notice me for who I am, and not some robot of a big company. How I wish that I could do what I really love. And… How I wish that I had someone to hold, a shoulder to cry on. Take on long walks, sitting on the beach, doing nothing. Yes I have friends, but I can’t really use them as a pillar of support. I have too much emotional baggage lying around, and bogging people down with it… I just don’t want to do it, but if I don’t, I don’t know if I can really last.

There are things that I want to say, things that have bugged me. I feel that I’m living a lie, hiding myself, for fear of the repercussions. What would people think? How will my friends react? I’m fearful.. so afraid of losing everyone that I know, so afraid that everything about me is a facade. A show. This is so deceitful, but what can I do? I will crash even harder without my friends, all so dear to me. They are my everything and more. My life literally depends on them – without them, life would be meaningless. If I say what I have to say, then I may as well end my life. It’s a battle everyday with myself. Hide who I truly am, or continue lying to my friends?

I’ve always wondered how much of an impact I’ve made on people’s lives – for better or for worse. I’ve made many friends, only to lose them a few years down the road. My current circle of friends, so precious to me. All starting to drift apart. After that, I don’t know anymore. I can’t imagine my life without them. They’re the only reason I’ll cling onto this miserable life. I don’t want to see anyone sad, it pains me to see people sad. Not just my friends, but strangers too. Maybe I’m too soft or something, but even movies with sad scenes can make me cry. I somehow take their sadness and make it mine. I have no idea what they’re going through, and yet I cry for and with them. There’s just so much pain etched onto their faces that I cannot ignore it. Ignoring it would make me worse than a robot, I wouldn’t even be fit to called a sentient being.

Even now, work just drains everything out of me. Sucks the life out of me. I no longer have a social life. Now, taking photographs, going for long walks and skating, they’re starting to look less appealing. All I want to do is to just stone and hope that everything turns out alright. That would be so nice, but reality is that no one can do that. I’m slowly losing my mind, I don’t know who I can turn to now. It’s starting to get too much for me to handle and I’m close to breaking point.

I’m making so many mistakes at work. Simple mistakes that could be avoided if I was more observant, more attentive, more careful, more ‘zi dong’ (got more initiative), and less stupid and slow to learn. I don’t know how long more my position at work is going to last. I  just hope that I can ride out the next 2.5 months, when I can officially quit without paying any penalties. Another long 2.5 months.

I wonder if I can even last that long.

I have no idea when my next post will be. Until then, if anyone even reads this blog, I wish you well and hope you never end up in a position like mine.

Tired

So tireD of the straight line, and everywhere you turn, there’s vultures and theives at your back…

Tired.

Got told off again at work for not following-up with a item I took in.

Such a simple task, yet I fail so badly at doing simple simple things. I don’t know if I’m cut out for this job. It’s a stressful environment, dealing with angry, maybe stupid customers, sometimes both at the same time.

I don’t know why I even chose this job in the first place. Thing is, if I can’t cope with something as simple as this, then what can I do? I’m such a failure at this. Everything also cannot do.

The things I like doing are totally not profitable. Right now my two biggest passions are photography and skating. Neither can earn me  money for my daily needs. My photos lack a certain ‘oomph’ factor, and my skating is nothing but beginner skill.

Meh. I feel damned useless right now. I have no direction in life. I’m nauseaous, I have a headache and my socks are disgustingly sticky. I’m so tired. Not physically tired – I have loads of energy, especially when I’m excersiing, but I’m exhaused… so exhausted mentally.

I wonder if anyone actually reads my blog lah. Since I don’t have anyone to talk to… My best friend who I can always turn to is unavailable at the moment and I do not wish to bother her, as she has stated that she wants to be alone.

…

-dies-

Skating

Went skating today with Gerald and Mason.

As usual, everyone was late. Haiz.

Anyway, since Mason was running extremely late, Bok and me decided to skate to the Extreme Skate Park near Bedok Jetty. So he decided to give the halfpipes and ramps a try, and kept me entertained. Heh.

We also tried to conquer the slope that leads up and around the skate park, so I fell down once. Too bad the video couldn’t be saved. I fell, phone flew out of my hand. When it landed, the battery had popped out and it didn’t have a chance to be saved So Gerald had many epic moments, including losing control and hitting a patch of sand, and went sprawling on the pavement.

At that point of time, Mason had joined us already, and we skated back to the nice little skating rink, where Gerald practiced a little more with the t-brake and soon returned his skates. Mason taught me parallel turns (again) and the t-brake, and how to skate backward.

So for parallel turns, damn I’m having trouble turning right. I’ve since corrected my wrong-footed turn, but doing right turns… results not very good and I end up using my left foot to turn both left and right.

So they soon left, and then I was alone. Skated until 7.30pm. Should have stayed half-hour more to avoid the peak hour surcharge for the taxi I took back to my place.

Today’s achievements:

Skated non-stop from Extreme Skate Park to the Skating Rink @ ECP Area C Inline Culture. Was pretty tired after that lol.
Did the spin-stop without falling down (much).
Did the T-brake and effectively slowed down.
Did the correct way of parallel turns.

Things to work on:

T-brake – Need to do properly as sometimes my t-brake will just spin me around and I end up going from t-brake to spin stop.
Right parallel turns – Left turns are okay, but right turns leave something to be desired.

Things I want to learn:

Backward skating
Backward stopping
Basic slalom maneuvers.

That is all.

Blog

So it’s been ages since I’ve updated my blog. So what’s new?

Nothing much!

I appealed for a Saturday off to take part in the Canon PhotoMarathon 2009. Hopefully my request can be granted

And went skating with Gerald, Mason, Sai and Xinyu today. Was utterly fun, other than 2 ‘major’ falls. First one was balancing on one skate while moving, then I don’t know what I went over, probably a stick or something and came to a dead stop. Needless to say my momentum carried me forward and slid a bit. Thank goodness I didn’t rip my new $114 windbreaker. I do have a nice little battlescar from that fall, a rather red patch on my elbow. Was fascinated by the wound at first, as it was whitish in color for some odd reason. No, not bone exposed, or at least, I do not think so o.O

I think I hurt my wrist in that fall though, for now it is throbbing with pain, slightly swollen and somewhat painful to touch. Lucky though, that this is my most ‘serious’ injury so far while skating.

2nd fall was when we went up a slope at the western entrance of the Extreme Skate Park at East Coast Park. Going down the hill was awesomely fun. Reached the bottom of the slope without incident, then I had to make a right hand turn to avoid hitting the grass and coming to a sudden halt.

So I started to turn, and I don’t know what happened, and lost my balance. Fell on my ass, and actually BOUNCED and then hit the ground again, and then sliding to a stop. I swear that I felt my butthole was going to be ripped open, eurgh. I somehow managed to stay upright through the entire ordeal -__-

Oh and thanks to Mason for teaching me the parallel turn, though my method of doing the turn is reversed. From what I know, Parallel Turn (i/e going left)

1. Left skate forward, push right skate back
2. Lean into the turn, twisting torso to direction of turn
3. Resume normal stance

But for me, I find it easier to actually put my right leg forward for left turns, and left leg forward for right turns. Seems rather odd, but for some reason I cannot do the parallel turn properly with the left-foot-left-turn method -__-

Work

I’ve been feeling so down lately. Working for moneyis a good thing, but… work is the thing that’s bogging me down. I feel under so much pressure. I hate it that I am not capable. I’m trying my best, but I guess my best isn’t good enough. How I long to be a student again. I’d rather mug to death than to be in this situation.

Getting an income is great. I can get stuff I have never been able to afford before. But at what cost? Monetary cost I can afford it, but if it’s making me feel like this.. I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore. Long hours and working in a demanding environment… I don’t have time for myself anymore. I need to relax – I just wish I could sleep late and wake up late like last time. Perhaps I should have taken a longer break before getting a job, but I know I couldn’t afford to do that. No. Not in mthe current situation I’m in.

I am unsure whether to continue on after my probationary period ends. It seems to me there are no promotional prospects. People who have worked here a year are earning the same amount of basic salary as me. They only earn more because of the incentives they get. Maybe I’m being too demanding myself – not all companies will raise an employee’s salary after a year.

If I quit after my probationary period, then what? I don’t have a job and I can’t supplement my mum’s income. I do not have much expertise in any field whatsoever. In terms of employability, I’m at the bottom of the scale. I’d prefer to work outdoors, but most outdoor work involves hard labour and heavy lifting which I cannot do.

Meh. I know this sounds damned idiotic. People must be going…. “Hey, you have a job! You should be appreciative!”

Thing is.. I don’t know if I can cope. I feel like such a loser. Every morning it’s a battle for me to come to work. I really miss just doing nothing. My one off day per week is too precious to spend it doing nothing. I want to just die – just end it all. That would seem so much better than now, but I’m only being selfish if I do that. Then again, I’m putting others first a lot.

All I wish for is someone to hold close… someone I can just hug. Just a shoulder to cry on. That would be so great.