Thoughts
So much going through my mind right now.
Mostly negative.
Been thinking about nothing but work lately. It’s just so unrewarding. A thankless job, so much stress and low pay (though the last one is probably because I’m new). I have never felt so unwanted. Never. Never have I felt this way. Work is so draining, both physically and mentally. I just want to end it all, be free again, but unfortunately I have obligations to meet. I have to give back what I have taken all my life long.
It’s just that… I don’t know. I don’t see myself going anywhere with this job. Yet what else can I do? I’m not saying that there’s a stress-free job. But currently, I’m just barely coping. I’m falling sick more often than usual, my backache is acting up again. Half of the time I’m like a robot, a zombie, belting out company policy and hoping that customers just accept them instead of arguing, which just takes up too much time and energy.
So much is being asked of me. I’m not entirely sure if I can succeed at this. I’m too slow – slow to learn, slow to recognize that it’s not all about me – yet I want people to notice me. Notice me for who I am, and not some robot of a big company. How I wish that I could do what I really love. And… How I wish that I had someone to hold, a shoulder to cry on. Take on long walks, sitting on the beach, doing nothing. Yes I have friends, but I can’t really use them as a pillar of support. I have too much emotional baggage lying around, and bogging people down with it… I just don’t want to do it, but if I don’t, I don’t know if I can really last.
There are things that I want to say, things that have bugged me. I feel that I’m living a lie, hiding myself, for fear of the repercussions. What would people think? How will my friends react? I’m fearful.. so afraid of losing everyone that I know, so afraid that everything about me is a facade. A show. This is so deceitful, but what can I do? I will crash even harder without my friends, all so dear to me. They are my everything and more. My life literally depends on them – without them, life would be meaningless. If I say what I have to say, then I may as well end my life. It’s a battle everyday with myself. Hide who I truly am, or continue lying to my friends?
I’ve always wondered how much of an impact I’ve made on people’s lives – for better or for worse. I’ve made many friends, only to lose them a few years down the road. My current circle of friends, so precious to me. All starting to drift apart. After that, I don’t know anymore. I can’t imagine my life without them. They’re the only reason I’ll cling onto this miserable life. I don’t want to see anyone sad, it pains me to see people sad. Not just my friends, but strangers too. Maybe I’m too soft or something, but even movies with sad scenes can make me cry. I somehow take their sadness and make it mine. I have no idea what they’re going through, and yet I cry for and with them. There’s just so much pain etched onto their faces that I cannot ignore it. Ignoring it would make me worse than a robot, I wouldn’t even be fit to called a sentient being.
Even now, work just drains everything out of me. Sucks the life out of me. I no longer have a social life. Now, taking photographs, going for long walks and skating, they’re starting to look less appealing. All I want to do is to just stone and hope that everything turns out alright. That would be so nice, but reality is that no one can do that. I’m slowly losing my mind, I don’t know who I can turn to now. It’s starting to get too much for me to handle and I’m close to breaking point.
I’m making so many mistakes at work. Simple mistakes that could be avoided if I was more observant, more attentive, more careful, more ‘zi dong’ (got more initiative), and less stupid and slow to learn. I don’t know how long more my position at work is going to last. I just hope that I can ride out the next 2.5 months, when I can officially quit without paying any penalties. Another long 2.5 months.
I wonder if I can even last that long.
I have no idea when my next post will be. Until then, if anyone even reads this blog, I wish you well and hope you never end up in a position like mine.
