Sleep
I thought after some sleep I’d be alright. It usually gets better. This time it didn’t. I had a fitful sleep, waking up every hour or so. Woke up today, shower, and go to work. Brought iPod to work but didn’t feel like listening to any music at all.
I am nothing but a robot, not caring about a thing in the world. Wake up every day same time, come back home late… I think even robots need a little bit more rest.
Thing isI hate this life. There is so little time to socialize with my friends anymore. I don’t like being alone. Being alone makes me very negative. Thoughts just stream into my head. Although there are times that I crave to be alone, it just feels so over-rated, being alone, being single.
I crave attention, I want recognition for what I do. want to be who I am, and not some puppet whom the master is in control, and not me. Being tied down by so many rules and regulations, bogged down by responsibilities…
I am a coward, nothing more than that. All I want now is to end it all. Even if I die and be proclaimed as a coward after my death, I think it’d be worth it. I’d be irresponsible, maybe, but since when have I ever been a responsible person? My work is sloppy, and though I try time and again to not commit the same mistakes, lo and behold, these same mistakes crop up.
Everything I do has no value to anyone. I take photographs. But people just see it, say, “hey, that’s nice!” and then just move on. My photos are mediocre at best. They’re not bad, but they’re not good either. I don’t feel that I’m improving in anyway.
I see people that are on dA, mostly people lke Ramza, Jess and Rafi. They’re such wonderful artists and I wish I could do what they do. I guess I’m not cut out for it, since everytime I try to draw there’s just no inspiration, not to mention that I suck so badly at it.
I’m jealous. I admit it. I’m filled full with envy. I see other guys with their girlfriends and wish that I was in their place. I see guys who are better-looking, and wish that I was in their place. I look upon the faces of genuinely happy people – full of warmth, joy and peace, or otherwise unaffected by the world around them… and wish that I could be in their place.
How nice it would be to be unaffected by things going on around them. I hear people arguing already I feel sad. I see people crying and I’d feel like crying too. Even looking at pictures, or just reading sometimes hurts me. Why am I made this way, so weak, so vulernable? A little bit and I feel like crying. Why is it that most other people, even girls are better at handling their emotions?
I’m in such a mess. Although I force myself to be all smiley and happy to customers, I think they can sense my aura of sadness or whatever because they look glum after being served by me. Even my colleague said that I looked sad.
I am not ready to tell them the reason why I’m sad. Perhaps if they come across this blog and only then they will know, or perhaps read my notes on my ipod. Other than that and the lovable people at PPF, no one else knows. I’m just bursting to tell someone everything, and yet at the same time, I’m scared of doing so. Scared of losing my friends, scared of what people will think of me.
Today at work. Same old mistakes yet again. Touched some leaky battery but I’m not going to wash my hand. I should be punished for being so god damned stupid. Why can’t I think properly instead of jumping into things without consulting anyone, especially since I’m still a greenhorn as they like to call me.
2 months has passed and yet I still am struggling to cope. I think I’m not cut out for this. Waking up everyday, coming to work is a battle against myself.
I used to think NS was bad, but this.. working is so much worse. Grass is always greener on the other side I guess. What I fear is that if I quit this job, then find a new one, the new one would be again too much for me.
I just hope that after all this, if I do pick up the pieces, that all will be better.
