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It has been three days since I’ve crashed. I still don’t know why I crashed like that. I still don’t know what to do, what to think.
I have no direction in life – I have no goals. Only dreams, but those are just that, only dreams. Right now they aren’t giving me hope, not giving me the will to go will to go on.
I feel that I don’t have a reason to go on anymore. All I see is black and more black.. A world without light.
I’m scared. So scared of losing myself to the darkness and yet I cannot help but to be drawn into it’s cold embrace. Eternal slumber, that would be so nice.
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Silly boy. I know it sounds pretty ridiculous for me to call you a boy, but you sound like a lost child now. That’s my honest opinion.
First off, why don’t you try to make friends at work? That’d be the first step towards being happy. You are enclosing yourself in a box now, not even trying to socialise with others. You cannot expect people to come and talk to you, so approach them.
It’s true that you have less time to socialise with your usual pals so why not make a few new friends? It may be hard for you to initiate a conversation, but being colleagues for a few months should be a start already. If you’re already talking, join them for lunch.
About skating and photography. As Laur said, treat them as an outlet to destress. If you yourself realise that you can’t excel in these areas (yet) then stop lamenting about how you cannot take them up as jobs. You want a camera, work for it so you can improve on your photo-taking skills. If you really hate your current job that much, just think of the money lor. But chances are that you just feel lonely there, don’t you.
On off days that you can’t find anything to do, ask your colleagues out. Or your mates from NS or something.
Don’t blame your current mood on yourself being extra-sensitive of sadness. When you serve a polite customer, it makes you happy, does it not? Stop thinking work is just a routine and that it’s boring. Find joy in helping customers that are truly happy after your service.
I know that you’re thinking ‘say so easy, you think do very easy meh’ but you can’t continue being like this for all your life. The truth is just that you’re lonely. With friends, you feel you can do anything, no?
Good luck! (Keni here)